Why is it we’re a society that is never happy with what we have? We always want more! As I have pointed out earlier this week, hubby and I are on vacation this week. Although hubby goes back to work tomorrow (and I think after spending a week with me one on one is he ever ready), I’m off until Monday.

This has been one of those weeks when I have wanted everything I have seen. I wanted a new house, I wanted a new car, and I wanted a new treadmill. You know what I got? That’s right nothing!

While hubby is right in his reasoning (“we are so close to being out of debt, why do you want to take a step backwards”) I didn’t want to hear reason this week, so needless to say I have been not very nice to live with this week. I know he is right; we have done without for a long time now. We have declined dinners with friends, going to the movies when we were dying to see something, even buying something as necessary as a new pair of pants or shoes to get where we are now. I have 1 big payment and 1 small payment and my car will be paid off, we have one bill just on the verge of being paid off that will also eliminate the cash flow problem. These things should make me smile, but noooooo I have to pout. (Just typing it makes me wanna slap myself… ha ha) I guess it’s the society we live in. I don’t feel jealous or envious of anyone right now, (except for skinny people who eat all the time and never gain an ounce…those people should just be put on Fantasy Island and kept there. Only kidding, God loves them too! ) but for some reason, I feel restless, and cheated.

I guess my grandmother was right…..people are never happy no matter what! When I was a teenager I wanted to be married, when I was married, I wanted to be single, when I became single, I wanted to be married again, now that I am married again I wish to remain that way, but I find other things to be “unhappy about”.

I woke up at 3AM with my knee throbbing from over-doing it on the treadmill yesterday. I had a psychological war with myself go on in my head when I realized it was time to get up and participate in a “self-intervention”. (I know hubby sure didn’t want to have one with me at 3AM)

Here’s how it went…..
(Self) Why does my knee have to hurt so damn bad, all I was trying to do was to push myself on the treadmill so that I could get past the hurdle of weight that I am stuck at.

(Conscious) “Because you have no patience and think you need everything to happen to you right now, and you know better. Anything you want is hard work, and doesn’t happen overnight”.

(Self) “What the hell do you know; you’re supposed to be on my side”.

(Conscious) “I am on your side; I just have to be the one to act rational when you can’t.

(Self) What do you mean “act rational”, I’m rational.

(Conscious) No your not, just think about it.

(Self) Well maybe I’m not, but I don’t understand why things have to be so hard for me and easy for other people? Why can’t I get past this hurdle with the weight, why can’t I have a new car, why can’t I have a new house, why won’t hubby let me buy the treadmill on credit?

(Conscious) Things are not easy for any living person. While it sometimes appears that way on the surface, there is no living human being that goes without trials and tribulation in their life. All the materialistic phooey out there won’t make you happy. If you got a house you saw today, you would see one you wanted better tomorrow, if you got a new car with yours being so close to being paid off, you would make that first payment and say to yourself “man, if I had that old car back, I wouldn’t be making this payment right now” and hubby says that you can buy the treadmill and pay cash for it next month after your car is paid off…he didn’t say you couldn’t have one, you just had to wait a month.

Ok…who can argue with his/her conscious?

Our answers are always there, we just don’t always want to hear them.

Time continues to fly by it seems, but for some reason I’m standing still. Interpretation, “I haven’t lost a pound in nearly a month”. Today marks the 8th month since my surgery. While 103 lbs is fabulous, even I will not deny that, it is frustrating as hell not to lose any weight for a month. If you remember the movie Risky Business when Tom Cruise is sitting in class eagerly awaiting the last bell for school to get out,he keeps watching the clock and just as the clock is to strike 3PM, it goes backwards 5 min…. Ok, I know you think I am rattling on in circles here…but I feel like the Tom Cruise of the bathroom scale. I get on every morning (I know, I know, I’m not supposed to do that) and hope to see some measurable result….the other morning I got on the scale and GAINED 5lbs!!!!
Now how does someone that gets 1000 calories or less a day gain 5lbs overnight? I’m not buying the “retaining water” theory, as I took a water pill and pee’d my brains out the whole dag gone day and still was 5lbs heavier the next morning.

It was at this point I wanted to take the scale out and smash it on the parking lot. I was just sure it was the scale. Unfortunately it wasn’t. I went to work and the work scale showed the same result. Now, I have been unable to get past this point for over a week. So, today I decided “Angie girl, it’s time for drastic measures”. I pulled out my charts from week one, I am faithfully going to go back to measuring my food, recording every bite that goes into my mouth, and realigning my exercise program.

I started out today by requesting to take next week off. Of course I blamed the nice weather we are anticipating for my need to be off, but the real need is to get mind, body, and spirit back in shape and on track. I didn’t come this far to stop now.

When you have bariatric surgery you are truly under the microscope. Everyday at least one person asks “how much weight have you lost now”? (And my mother is the worst one). When you haven’t lost any weight in several days, now weeks, it just makes me want to hang my head in shame. I feel like I have failed in some way. I feel embarrassed and I’m waiting for people to say “well we wondered how long it will be before you were two ton Tessy again”?

I am only 8 pounds from accomplishing goal number 3 of the 5 goals I set for myself. While my hope is still very much alive, and I know I can do it, I know I can get past this hurdle, I have truly hit that period where the bariatric patient says “is this it”? Have I lost all I am going to lose? I truly hope not, I’m only half way there.

Thanks to all of you who really do encourage and inspire me. I can never tell you how much it helps. I’ll get there because I believe in myself, but it sure helps when others believe in you too!

Wishing you all a great weekend.

I read all my favorite blogs every chance I get and wonder how people can find the time to post everyday, and sometimes more than once a day? I find it hard to post as much as I do. I must make this short today….this is hubby’s (3) day weekend, and we are off soon to make a friendly trip to “Wally World”….Time to stock up on spring cleaning materials.

I heard the news this morning, and it looks like spring is in fact on the horizon. Next week temps look to be in the 50’s and 60’s here. I will be soooo happy to slap on my New Balance's and my headset and take off on my nice long walks.

I do have to share one tid bit of happy news…(Most of you will find this useless news..lol) but anyway, I went to Wal-Mart (aka Wally World) earlier this week, and decided to treat myself to a new pair of jeans. I picked what I thought would fit and took it to the dressing room. Low and behold THEY WERE TOO BIG! I went and got a pair 2 sizes smaller and closed my eyes as I tried them on.


I got them zipped! Now, I will say tight has a new meaning, but I purchased them anyway and brought them home. They are my new inspiration. Every time I think of eating something I shouldn’t I will go put those jeans on. (I just had to share that!)
Happy Saturday everyone!

Ok, so I didn’t have any better title for today’s blog. Thanks to all of you who have asked where I have been. (I didn’t think that many of you would come back for a return trip to my blog). Work has been absolutely crazy lately, and I just have had no time to write anything. I have been working anywhere from 12-14 hours per day, and it’s really beginning to take it’s toll on me. I’m not really complaining about the job itself, I love my job, I just don’t like the demands administration puts on me. Ok…enough about work. This blog is supposed to be about the journey from obesity.

Well, things there are at a bit of a standstill again too! I have now lost 103 lbs, but it’s kind of stagnant at the moment. I haven’t lost anything for almost two weeks again. That’s not abnormal, about every 20-30lbs you plateau for a few weeks. I will be so glad when all the crappy weather is finally gone. I am so looking forward to sunshine and warm temperatures walking after I get off work, and warm temps to arrive so I can start working out in the pool. (Remind me of that this summer when I am complaining about how hot it is…) I think that will help move things along again too with the weight!

I had a heart to heart with my boss the other day…(Saturday, when I came to work to help him organize his office and files). I told him about the toll it was taking on me at home and in my marriage putting in all these hours. I explained that my hubby is not very happy that I am not getting my “workouts” done because I am so exhausted all the time. He is not unhappy with me, but with the job because it is controlling my/our life right now. I am biding my time at the moment and being patient, the administration is doing some “regionalizing” of positions, and if things work out right I will get a promotion, and possibly my own secretary. I told him I would carry on business as usual until the announcement was made. If it didn’t go in my favor I told him I was picking up my toys and moving on. I think he knew I wasn’t playing. Life is much to short to spend it working all the time.

I think I have had an epiphany of some sort since my 39th birthday. While I know I am still very young and God willing have many years ahead of me, I got to thinking the other day…I’m now “middle-aged”…I thought 50 was middle aged! How many 100 year old people do you see these days? Not very many! Seventy-Eight is realistic. My grandmother lived until 83 so I might make it a little while longer, but for the most part I have lived half of my life already. Now, I’m not trying to be depressing here, but there are so many things I need to do yet, so many places to see, so many things to make up for, is 39 more years really going to be enough? What if I have less? All of this got me to thinking…..If I am working so much, think of how much more I am missing out on? Is it worth it? (Especially since I am not getting paid overtime for it, and I can never afford to take all the time off I have accrued working). My goal is to work less, but make the work I do quality work, and to beginning reconnecting to my family and friends. I want the next 39 years to be time better spent, and not time I let slip by.

Well, I'm not sure about the "Wiser" part, but the older is now true. I celebrated my 39th birthday this week. "Thirty-Nine"!!! I remember when I was a teenager thinking 39 was like middle-aged. Funny how different I look at it now. I guess I have to make the most of it this year as next year I will no longer be able to say I'm "thirty-something". With that being said, I have to say that the last few years of the thirty-something years have been much better spent then my twenties and early thirty's.

I never dreamed the year I turned 30 how different my life would be within the decade. I remember my 30th birthday like it was yesterday. I spent the day depressed thinking my life was over. Those of you who know me probably know that probably was not far from the truth. (At least it seemed that way). 9 years later, I'm happier and healthier than I have been in years. (Happy except for one way which is not a discussion for this blog).

Life is good here. After almost two weeks of holding steady I lost 3lbs this week. Small strides, but I praise every one of them. My back is feeling better, apparently those 10 years in medical school paid off for my Dr. and he knew what he was talking about with my back. Apparently I did/do have a pinched nerve and sometimes the inflammation in my back causes discomfort in my legs. I am told that when you lose as much weight as I have your skeletal system changes and moves back into place, thus causing some temporary inflammation in my vertebra.

I had a really rough week at work. Without going into to much detail (because my opinion would just boar most of you) the bureaucratic governmental leaders who run this fine state are again threatening the Department of Correction and it's employees with privatizing the correctional facilities. They have already gone private with the food service and medical departments (which has proved to be a flop which the Governor puts off as a huge economic success) and now they are working on the business office and HR aspect of it. (Which is me). Next is the custody portion which they want to contract out to a Kentucky based company. It all boils down to the bottom dollar. In the facility I work in currently, we started the fiscal year 7/06 at a daily per diem of $54.00 per offender per day. We were told that we had to cut that amount to $48.00 by the end of the year 2005 (which we did we came in on Dec 23rd at $47.62). The officers were told no more overtime, and if that didn't help bring down the per diem that the next item on the ticket would be letting people go. Luckily we had two people retire which helped our budget. Now, this week, they tell us that we have to bring down the daily per diem to $38.75; and by the way, "we will no longer pay the officers for their lunch hour, no matter if they are still on the clock or not". I am really angry about this one, because by taking away their lunch hours these hard working underpaid officers will now lose 10 hours per pay period (bi-wkly) which is equivalent to a days pay per pay period. I would have more respect for these people if they just walked in and said "you have two weeks left to work, we are contracting your facility out" instead of them making us look like it's our fault and we left them with no other choice. The day of my birthday my boss, and his boss called me into the office and told me that I had to crunch the numbers and create a report comparing the overtime and all that went with it and have it turned in before I left that day. I promptly told them, "well thanks for the birthday present, I guess I will cancel my plans for this evening". (I left at 10:00PM that night). I guess I should feel thankful for the "that's the way to be a team player, you'll be rewarded someday for your efforts"! Normally my boss's are wonderful men, but this time I wanted to say....never mind, I won't say here what I really wanted to say.